I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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