my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
