when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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