Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
