Can Purell be used as lube?
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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