This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
