Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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