I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
