eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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