just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
