I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
