I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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