im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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