Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
