That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
