My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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