My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
and she was petting her beer can
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
