so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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