I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
