Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
