ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
