why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
