My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
