I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
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The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
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I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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