I need help removing her.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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