I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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