Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
