I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
