is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
