Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
