So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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