I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
