I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
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I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
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This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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