suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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