I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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