ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
