Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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