He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
