I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
