My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Randomize
