I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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