I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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