I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
