your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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