her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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