The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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