There is too much vodka and too much dick.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
