Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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