You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
