In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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