PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
