i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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