Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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