I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
