I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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