you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
