she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
